ENHANCING WITH DETAILS

Specific, particular details are the lifeblood of fiction. It isn’t enough to tell readers what happens to the characters. Writers want their readers to feel they’re actually in the story, experiencing the action alongside the main character.

A children’s writer uses a number of techniques to do this. She chooses words that trigger one of the five senses. She may describe the tinkling of ice cubes in a glass, the smell of frying bacon, or the bittersweet taste of chocolate. She might reveal the action as it unfolds moment-by-moment. For example, she may craft details to create a specific effect. She may describe each incident of a disastrous birthday party--the raging thunderstorm, the cake that Grandma sits on, the torn birthday dress. All this attention to detail, when used with skill, helps the writer create a vital, engaging story.

Using the five senses

Successful writers know that readers respond to sensory images. Children, in particular, like words that help them imagine sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feelings. Concrete images, rather than abstractions, usually work best with kids.

Examples:

Not this:

"Yuck!" said Helena. "My homework is to write a paragraph about electricity. I don’t even know what it is."

Donnie tried to explain.

"Well, when the balance between protons and electrons in an atom is upset by an outside force, an atom will either gain or lose an electron," said Donnie. "When electrons are ‘lost’ from an atom, the free movement of these electrons creates an electric current."

"Say what?" asked Helena, looking dazed.

This:

"Yuck!" said Helena. "My homework is to write a paragraph about electricity. I don’t even know what it is."

Donnie tried to explain.

"Well, have you ever walked across a rug and touched a metal doorknob? Do you remember when you touched that old electric cord? You were about three."

"Yep, I remember getting zinged," said Helena. "It felt like a frizzle in my finger."

"And when you stroke Brandy’s fur in the dark, you can hear crackling and see tiny blue flashes of light?" said Donnie. "That’s electricity."

You can also use the five senses to engage readers’ emotions and give a certain impression of a character or event. In the following examples, the author uses sight, touch, sound, and smell to help shape the reader's emotional response. Which character describe below, does the author want the reader to like? Dislike? How do you feel about the old house?

Examples:

The girl had a red face and long, oily hair. When she saw me, she kicked the boy one last time. I grabbed her while she struggled and screamed. Then she shot me a look with her squinty eyes and stomped on my sore toe. A knife-like pain shot through my foot.

Mrs. Martin smelled like warm toast and looked like Mrs. Santa Claus. Whenever she laughed, her eyes crinkled at the corners and she made a happy, bubbly sound. You couldn’t help but laugh with her.

Inside the old house, I detected a faint whiff of medicine. Dusty newspapers were piled everywhere. When I walked into the living room, a black cockroach scurried up the wall. The sound of children playing next door drifted in through a broken windowpane.

Showing–not telling

One of the most fundamental rules for building effective scenes is "show, don’t tell." Telling, in this sense, means that the writer sums up the action and the characters’ thoughts and feelings for the reader. Showing, means that the writer builds a scene by using action, dialogue, and description and keeps explanation and narration to a minimum. In most cases, showing is more effective in engaging your readers’ interest.

Examples:

Telling: Mama Cat kept her kittens well-fed and safe from danger.

Showing: The kittens cried and cried. Where was Mama? Soon a soft and furry body nestled next to Chloe. A warm tongue washed Muffin's ear. Max snuggled close to Mama Cat, looking for a place to drink the warm milk. When Straw crawled too far from his brother and sister, Mama carried him back to the box in her mouth.

Telling: Jacob knew he would never return to Russia, and the thought made him sad.

Showing: As the train wound through the countryside, Jacob gazed at his homeland for the last time. He saw forests and tiny villages. He saw fields of corn, oats and buckwheat. Peasant girls shook their babushkas in the wind as the train sped by. Jacob's eyes filled with tears.

Telling: The worm felt sorry for herself.

Showing: The worm crawled under a leaf and twisted herself into a little ball. "I don't have wings, so I can't fly," she thought. "I don't have fins so I can't swim. I don't have legs, so I can't even walk. All I can do is crawl around in the dirt. No one wants me unless they’re going fishing. What a life!"

Notice that in showing, the writer paints a picture in the reader's mind. Readers can hear the kittens crying and feel them snuggled close to their mother. Or they can picture the fields and forests of the Russian countryside. In the last example, the writer shows readers what the worm is thinking. This allows the readers to draw their own conclusions about the worm’s state of mind.

Now you do it. Below are two examples of telling. See if you can write a short paragraph based on one of the examples using showing:

Example One:

The goddess of spring, wanted to make the children happy. Using her magic she transformed the icy winter world into a beautiful, green wonderland.

Example Two:

Pa was often in a bad mood. Sometimes he took it out on the family. But Ruthie knew he was just worried about finding work.

Most authors use a combination of showing and telling because good writing is a mixture of both action and narrative. The trick is to know when to do each. When should you put your readers on a surfboard and let them feel the tingle of the ocean spray, and when should you send them postcards from Hawaii? The answer depends on what’s central and most important in your story.

In children’s books, a writer may show and tell within a single paragraph. First he may give a general statement and then add specific details to elaborate.

Example:

Under the old couple's loving care, the pig soon grew plump and strong. Every day the old woman cooked him oats and apple peelings, and the old man read him stories and taught him to recite the alphabet.

The first sentence sums up the loving relationship between the old couple and the young pig. The second sentence shows exactly what the old man and woman did to care for him.

Enhancing your scene with specifics

When you write a story for children, you’re using your imagination to create a fictional plot and believable characters. But not everything in your story is make-believe. In each story you write, you’ll need to use details from the real world to give your story authenticity. You’ll need to blend certain elements that are real with other elements that you’ve invented.

An artist creates a scene in a painting by selecting each detail carefully. Then with brush stroke after brush stroke, she carefully applies the paint. A writer must do the same thing. He must keep the plot in mind while filling in each tiny detail that makes the story come alive. Whether a children’s story works or fails often depends on the effectiveness of these small details.

If you’re writing a realistic story, you’ll choose different details than if you’re writing a humorous fantasy. In either case, you must select your details with care to create your intended mood. Below are two paragraphs describing bears creating havoc in a human environment. The first paragraph is taken from a realistic middle-grade novel. The second example is from a humorous picture book. (Note that in the second example, the author suggests what is happening, but leaves some of the specifics for the illustrator to fill in later.) The details each writer chooses reflect the needs of each particular story.

Example One:

The two girls peeked in the window. Inside, they saw that their sleeping bags had been ripped into shreds. Plastic wrappers, soda cans, ice cube trays, and other items from the refrigerator were scattered across the floor. A small black bear sat in the middle of the room, munching on the last of the granola bars.

"Brian told me to put the hot dogs in the refrigerator," whispered Lana. "He said that if a bear opened the door, the refrigerator light would scare him away."

"And you believed that?" said Miranda.

Example Two:

The three bears wandered from room to room. In the bathroom, Papa found some shaving cream. In a bedroom, Mama found some crayons. In the other bedroom, Brookster found an ink pad and stamps. They made a mess and had lots of fun.

Unless you’re writing a fantasy--and especially if you’re writing a story set in another time or place--you’ll probably need to do some research before you do the actual writing. In another essay, I mentioned the type of research you need to do to create an authentic setting, but you may also need to research the clothing, food, furniture, customs, and even the dialect of the people or culture you’re writing about. In the example below, the writer has researched furniture items, the names, the currency, and even the cadence of the language of the culture she’s describing:

Example:

Rotzell expected her husband to give her the best of everything. Fancy kerosene lamps, she must have, with flowered globes, and silk quilts on a feather bed. Milk she must drink each day fresh from the cow. Yet Rotzell would not knit, embroider, bake bread, or scrub floors.

"Wife," said Yankel one evening. "Here are two poods of flour for bread. Also the candlestick holders need to be polished. Are these not the duties of a wife?"

While all this research may seem intimidating, don’t worry. You won’t grow old spending your days in the library. Most of what you need is readily available–in magazines, in used bookstores, in old newspapers, and on the internet. And you won’t need much–a few details scattered throughout your story will be enough to create the desired effect.

In my manuscript Jean Henry, a young woman challenges a newfangled washing machine to a washing competition. I needed to know what the first washing machines looked like, how they were made, and what they could (and couldn’t) do. I typed "washing machines" antique into Google. The first web page listed "The Antique Washing Machine Museum," which had answers to most of my questions.